Changing Minds: Resisting Shame, Embracing Empathy
In a recent social media post, I engaged with a commenter after they made some wildly uninformed and outright false statements about LGBTQ+ people in general and bisexuality in particular. Despite trying to respond clearly and politely to them, their response back was hostile, inflammatory, and completely closed to genuine engagement.
What made it stand out, however, was that it was couched in Christian language that seemed to assert that their views were not only unquestionably and obviously true, but ultimately loving.
While others in the thread seemed shocked by her tone and words, I was not. This was all too familiar. I had been in countless other conversations exactly like this one. So, I made my case as clearly as I could (as much for other readers than for this person) and moved on.
I haven’t always responded to these kinds of exchanges this way. In the past (and on bad days still), I would react by decimating their shallow arguments, undermining the basis of their beliefs, and calling into question their integrity as Christians. In other words, I would shame them. And, just for a moment, such a response felt good, especially when others would pile on their agreement. So why did I stop?
Reasons To Resist Shame
First and foremost, I stopped because using shame is not only unkind, it is ultimately ineffective. If my only goal is to score points and feel good, shame works wonders. However, it not only doesn’t change hearts and minds, but it also tends to entrench those hearts and minds even further into the protection of their certainty. In other words, I end up making the problem worse for everyone else. As Brené Brown reminds us:
“You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.”
However, another reason I no longer respond in this way is that I used to be there myself. Raised in a fundamentalist church culture, I held much of the same beliefs, used some of the same arguments, and felt deeply about the quality of my convictions and motivations. And it is the genuine experience of confident conviction that my beliefs were right and my intentions truly loving that gives me pause today. I truly and deeply felt that my beliefs, words, and actions were good.
Of course, this does not excuse people who do this (myself included). After all, sincerity does not guarantee morality, any more than intention negates impact. However, understanding that sincerity can serve as a guide to working for meaningful change. To be fair, changing the mind of any ideological fundamentalist is hard work and generally has a low rate of success. So, as much as we need to learn how to do it well, we also need to learn when to simply move on.
Tactics For Change
That being said, here’s what I’ve learned over the years. First, as I said earlier, we need to recognize that shame-based approaches (even when done in good faith) almost always backfire. While some people can be drawn into a space of contrition through empathy, trying to make someone “feel bad” for their beliefs rarely has the desired outcome.
Second, while we need to be reasonable, we also need to recognize that reason isn’t always effective either. This is especially true around religious beliefs, where there is a significant reliance on intuition. At its worse, it can become an anti-intellectualism that can see sound reason (and even science) as evidence of moral compromise.
Third, we need to change (and diversify) how we communicate our ideas. When engaging with evangelical Christians, for example, I will attempt to utilize language and concepts that are familiar to them, as well as new ideas. This is what renowned author and psychologist Howard Gardner calls “representational redescriptions”:
“Get the message out in lots and lots of different ways, lots of different symbol systems, lots of different intelligences and lots of different embodiments. The notion that you say it once and it gets through is just wrong. So is the notion that you can simply repeat yourself. You have to be extremely resourceful in finding diverse ways to get the same desired mind-change across.”
I want to be clear that I am not advocating for manipulation. I am not suggesting that we use sneaky tactics to undermine an adversary. Rather, this is about recognizing that minds are hard to change (including our own). Thus, if it is something we genuinely believe in, we need to embrace patience and creativity to that end.
Calling Out & Calling In
There are circumstances where calling out harm, abuse, oppression, or discrimination is necessary. However, we must recognize that such actions, when appropriate, are done primarily out of concern for those negatively impacted, not to bring systemic change (though they may play a part in it). If we help the marginalized as a means of shaming the oppressor, we risk dehumanizing both the people we are seeking to help and those we are hoping to change.
No matter what approach you take, the chances of effecting change without genuine human connection are low. This is why careful and calculated vulnerability and empathy are critical for changing minds. People are more likely to be open when they seem it first demonstrated. This is not easy. Vulnerability is, by its very nature, risky. When we risk it, though, we send an important message. As Brown powerful sums up:
“No one reaches out to you for compassion or empathy so you can teach them how to behave better. They reach out to us because they believe in our capacity to know our darkness well enough to sit in the dark with them.” -Brené Brown “The Power of Vulnerability”
Jamie Arpin-Ricci is a bisexual author, activist, and the Co-Director of Peace & Justice Initiatives. You can discover more about his work at his website: www.jamiearpinricci.com