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When Bodies Pay: The Cost of Fear & Shame
I was only eighteen years old when I decided to go into full-time Christian ministry. Having just completed my Discipleship Training School (DTS) with Youth With A Mission (YWAM) on my eighteenth birthday, I was eligible to apply to be on full-time staff with the organization. I did not hesitate to do so, despite some of the negative experiences I had gone through relating to my sexuality. I had a deep sense of calling and believed this was the place I needed to be, so I was willing to take the bad with the good.
That is one of the hardest aspects I have found about being a queer Christian (albeit not affirming at the time): to be in spaces that are, on one hand, deeply toxic and even dangerous, but that are also, on the other hand, places of grace, community, and restoration. Affirming Christian spaces were not even on my radar as an option, so I saw no better alternative.
One of the things that drew me to the specific YWAM centre I attended was its emphasis on the performing arts. As an avid actor throughout high school, it was the selling point in convincing me to attend the school and eventually join the staff. However, despite having applied to be on staff for the next DTS, I was offered an administrative role as the registrar of students for all of our programs. Looking back, I wonder if my application to be on DTS staff was denied because I…