Where Are All The Bisexual Men? (And why do you hate us?)
Most bisexual men will tell you that there is not very much representation for us, either in the media or in other social contexts. And where there are examples, many are tropes and stereotypes that actually perpetuate harm. This lack of representation is another symptom of the pervasive problem of bi-erasure that is literally killing bisexual folks. So where does this come from? Why is there such disdain for bisexual men?
Before we get into that, however, I want to make one thing very clear: I am not suggesting that bisexual men have it worse than bisexual women and non-binary folks. First, we do not compete in the suffering Olympics where some “beat” others. Second, bisexual women and non-binary folks live at the intersection of both bi-phobia, queer-phobia, and sexism. They face devastatingly significant risks both mentally and physically. This piece is not about pitting any one group against another, but rather simply exploring a very real issue within a specific group of people, bisexual men.
Perhaps the easiest historical link to anti-bisexual male sentiment comes at what is often referred to as “the height of the AIDS crisis”. As ignorance and fear of HIV stirred mistrust and hatred towards gay men, the emergence of the virus among straight women created a panic. Almost immediately bisexual men were cited as the cause, carrying the virus into the straight community after contracting it through “illicit sex” with other men. Immediately, bisexual men were seen as more repugnant than the already derided gay men.
In reality, while the transmission of HIV to straight women by bisexual men did happen, it was one of the smallest contributors to that dynamic. Instead, it was largely transmitted through blood transfusions and drug use. Despite this fact, bisexual men remained a scapegoat with the stigma still persisting today in different “clothes”.
That fear of contamination, while not related to HIV/AIDS, remains for many. In studies, high percentages of straight women expressed concern/disdain for the idea of sex with bisexual men. There was fear of contamination by STDs and even strong feelings of disgust associated with idea that the man had been with other men.
That disgust carries many social aspects as well. With the obsession of their male partners already firmly implanted in people’s biases, the assumption among many women that bisexual men were more likely to be unfaithful in a relationship became a deal-breaker. This was often rooted in two primary ways of thinking.
First, the deeply sexist stereotype that men are more sexual and less capable of fidelity played a big role, especially given bisexual men had a large pool to choose from. Second, many women express insecurity about their inability to keep a bisexual man sexually happy, given they can’t offer what a man can. Both points merit exploration.
The stereotype that men are naturally “more sexual” and less capable of fidelity is one with a long and complex history that we can’t explore in detail here. However, it is important to point out that people of all genders have the capacity for varying levels of sexual desire. Further, the sexism at the heart of this way of thinking is a problem of patriarchy, not bisexuality. Such an argument against bisexual men is misplaced.
As for the insecurity that many women expressed about their inability to “be enough” for a bisexual man, I am more sympathetic (but only to a point). Acknowledging that women already live under the weight of patriarchal demands on what it means to be a woman, where they are made to feel responsible for the thoughts and actions of men, including violence towards them, it is at least understandable that some insecurity will happen. However, like in the previous point, the fault lies not with bisexual men. Further, making bisexual men carry the burden of those insecurities furthers the scapegoating that has done us so much harm already.
Sadly, things are not much better in the queer community. Gay men often contribute to harmful stereotypes about bisexual men, leading to mistreatment and exclusion. Explicit denial that bisexuality is even real, while slowly getting better, remains a fairly common belief openly expressed by many gay men. I have been told many times that I am “not really bisexual” but just afraid to “fully commit”, which would be laughable if it wasn’t so offensive (both to me and my wife).
Another thing commonly said by gay men on bisexual men is that we benefit from “straight privilege” when in “passing” relationships. As I quoted in another article recently:
“Passing means that bisexuals are completely dependent upon their partners for successful bisexual passing… passing can never be done individually, as it necessitates being seen with other peoples (as ‘passing accessories’).” -Shiri Eisner
While I acknowledge that being in a straight-presenting relationship can often protect me from some forms of prejudice that, for example, two gay men cannot so easily avoid, it also exposes me to an entirely new set of risks by placing me in contexts where my assumed straightness gives people license to do and say harmful things. This is why so many bisexual folks suffer higher rates of mental health issues.
Many gay men express hesitation or complete unwillingness to date bisexual men, often citing similar concerns as straight women cited: inability to “be enough” sexually or fear of infidelity. There is even a form of contamination bias that crops up surprisingly often: many gay men express “disgust at vaginas”, so the thought of their bisexual male partner having been with a woman is equally disgusting (a dynamic that demonstrates that misogyny is “alive and well” among many gay men).
To be clear, I am not at all seeking to present straight women and gay men as the villains in this tale, as they can also be some fierce allies. After all, surely straight, cis men present the greatest source of discrimination. On one hand that is true. The most prejudice I’ve experienced as a queer person by far has been from straight, cisgender men. Many men, especially in religious contexts, see bisexual men as a threat to family purity and/or “male headship”.
However, the reason many bisexual men feel the pain more acutely from straight women and gay men is that they are the most likely group from which we hope to find connection, love, and sexual intimacy. And more so from gay men, there is a just expectation of solidarity as a fellow queer person seeking support, safety, family, and understanding. This is not unreasonable to hope for in either case but it won’t happen unless we name it and dismantle it.
There are many more factors that could be named, such as the impact of toxic masculinity, the pervasive nature of monosexism, or the assumptions about bisexual men being tourists in queerness. However, many of these biases are rooted in false assumptions and standards that bisexual men are held to that they would never accept applied to themselves. And so, it is critical to note that our biases against the other are empowered less by our assumptions of their otherness and more by our assumptions about our own normality.
If you are a bisexual man who is not out for these and other reasons. Or if you identify as gay because of fear and or pressure, I hope you will consider the cost such pressure exacts on you. We don’t have to fit into anyone’s expectations. We don’t have to prove that we are “queer enough”. If it is safe enough to be yourself fully and out, know that your example will serve as hopeful representation for others. I can only hope I offer that hope to some of you.
Jamie Arpin-Ricci is a bisexual author, activist, and Co-Director of Peace & Justice Initiatives. You can discover more about his work at his website: www.jamiearpinricci.com